National Coalition of Free Men
If we can keep this idea in mind, it will make it easier to understand how men are victims of sexual abuse by women.
Maintaining this facade that we are in control, requires that we never admit that we are being forced into sex we don't want or that our rational minds can be neutralized by the stimulation of our sexual drives.
Sexual abuse is the use of another person's sexuality for purposes other than mutually consented procreation or the intended mutual sexual gratification of the parties involved.
Pornography is one kind of sexual abuse, though compared to the other kinds of sexual abuse, it is rather benign. The primary difference between women's and men's pornography is found in the medium more than the message. Women's pornography is to be found more in the written word in romance novels while men prefer, perhaps even require, photographs to fantasize about sex.
So while we readily recognize and object to pornography created for men, we call the heated passages from romance novels literature. But women's pornography is not limited to words. Magazines such as Playgirl and On Our Backs cater to the sexual fantasies of both heterosexual as well as homosexual women. The photographs found in these women's magazines are every bit as graphic as Playboy or Hustler.
The dictionary and in most cases the legal meaning of rape is: "The crime of having sexual intercourse with a woman or girl forcibly without her consent." Webster's dictionary goes on to say that: "If the act is committed when the woman is stupefied by drugs or liquors, deceived as to the nature of the act, or overcome by duress or threat, or if she is below the age of consent, it is rape."
The fact that rape, as presently defined, makes it gender specific. It points to the fact that most people believe, as one judge in Arizona was quoted as saying, "Women get raped. Men get lucky." Add to this that many states require the insertion of a penis into a vagina, and it would be ridiculous to assert that women do this as often as men...so far.
However, if we degenderize the act, ignore the means of coercion, and disregard the mechanism of perpetration, we will be able to see that women rape men and women. You see if we do this we are left with the definition of rape as the coercion into a sexual act for purposes other than mutually consented procreation or the intended mutual sexual gratification of the parties involved.
Using this definition, we can include the psychological coercion men are constantly under to engage in sex. A study at the University of South Dakota by professor Cindy Strickman showed that 16% of the male students compared to 22% of the female students felt that they had been coerced into sex. Half of those men said they were psychologically coerced. The other half reported tactics such as being locked in cars, fondled and even blackmailed until they gave in.
The coercion is so pervasive, that while most men think "day is da fucker, dey is really da fuckee." Notice men always speak of "getting pussy" instead of "giving dick." In fact, I would be surprised if someone during the Question and Answer period doesn't try to point out how much they like being coerced into sex. For men this is analogous to the kind of confusion raped women go through when they want themselves for an act someone forced on them.
Cosmopolitan, one of the largest circulating magazines in the country is written for women. In the February 1989 issue appeared an article, entitled "How to make an impact on a man." Women were advised to "Wear body hugging styles, lots of jewelry, vivid eye make-up and lipstick. A lush style is a sexual signaler.... If you have good legs, wear a very tight short skirt and very high heels. Bend over with your back to a man to pick something up or look in a file drawer, etc.... Always wear perfume.... Every woman seriously interested in attracting men should invest in a short black leather skirt and wear it with heels." For men who don't know, high heels are painful as hell, bad for the back and serve no purpose except to call attention to the buttocks. Any one who has studied mammalian psychology knows that the buttocks, and shapes which stimulate the buttocks, are sexual stimulants.
In the same article, women were advised to "Run your fingers lightly over a man's knuckles. It will send shivers up and down and all around him.... Feel his muscles.... Cross and uncross your legs a lot.... Talk sexy or at least suggestive.... Drop anything as you pass his desk, then stoop down to gather it up. He'll help. Lean close to him, put your hand on his shoulder to steady your balance."
If this article was isolated, and if women did not use these tactics to put constant pressure on men to have sex, and or they didn't work, we could laugh it off. If time permitted, I could quote from hundreds of such articles. If all of these articles were combined into one text, it could be called, "How to rape a man, have him feel responsible for your orgasm and get paid for it."
To point out the seriousness of what is going on, let's ask some questions.
If women are taught through books, magazines and the women's network how to be "sexually irresistible," where can men learn to be sexually immovable? When I see exposed cleavage and protruding nipples, thighs flashing from under skirts slit right up to the crotch, the female form in Lycra tights designed to accentuate everything from the nipples to pubic hairs, where can I learn to be no more sexually excited by this than I would be by a bowl of cold oatmeal?
Where can a man put his eyes so that he does not have to constantly deal with this kind of energy?
What are men supposed to do with this sexual energy?
And What are the costs of this psychological and emotional battering?
Consider also that if men are more interested in their work than they are in sex, they are derided as nerds or homosexuals. This means that men are set up to be raped at the mere suggestion that a woman wants to have him.
When I was a child, many of the adults in my community invented a disease called the "blue balls." As children, we were told that you got this painful disease which made your balls swell and turn blue from having sex with women before you became a man. The object of this fabricated disease was to project us from the molestation by neighborhood women that they knew was so frequent.
Research shows that their fears were not unwarranted. In the Archives of
Sexual Behavior, (vol. 16, #5, 1987), there is a report titled the "Parameters
of sexual contact of boys with women." This report shows that the rape of boys
by women is a lot more prevalent than had been thought. The rapes were shown to
have occurred to the boys as early as age three. Ironically, this study, as well
as others since, have shown that a large number of men in prison for raping
women and molesting children, had themselves been raped by women when they were
There is a lot more I would like to share with you about the sexual abuse of men by women, but time does not allow, and to be perfectly honest, we men are just beginning to realize that we are victims of sexual abuse, so our thoughts on the subject are still in their infancy.
I hope I have not made any man angry at any woman or any woman feel guilty. If I have done this, I have failed miserably. I do not believe that women or men are villains. I believe both are victims of biological and social programming.
I would not like to live in a world where men dictate to women what they should wear and do. I also don't like living in a world where women act in wanton disregard for how their actions affect me.
The solutions for men must be to realize what is happening to us. Then we must put a value on our sexuality. In other worlds, be selective about where we put our dick, and think about the costs and consequences of putting it there. Practice exercising our right to resist sexual advances. I would strongly urge every man to seriously consider celibacy as a sexual option. Try going for at least a month without sex, even when you have a significant other. In that period, make every attempt to isolate yourself from anything or anyone who sexually excites you.
To the women, I would say that for every action there is a reaction. If you dress and act in such a way as to sexually excite one man, on your way to meet him, you have abused many men. Men who are homeless; men who have lost their minds and bodies because they were forced by law to defend your right to vote; men who feel it is their duty to protect you just because you are a woman; men whose sexuality is set on fire by your mere presence, but cannot even say hello to you without his motives being suspect.
Men are not as strong as they are believed or expected to be and women are not as weak as they are believed or expected to be.
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