If your husband is kinky... Advice
You have just discovered Your husband is kinky!
You're angry and hurt. You feel violated, fearful, confused, and
insecure; and the years of trust you've built with this man are
hanging on a thin thread ready to break.
"What is wrong with him?"
"How can he do this to me?"
Your thoughts run wild as your imagination sorts through horrifying
scenarios. You have concluded that your marriage is over or that your
husband needs serious therapy to cure his sickness. Deep down inside,
you harbor guilt wondering what you could have done wrong, if
anything to push him in this direction.
Before you throw away years of an emotional investment, please read
this letter carefully. You owe it to your relationship to at least
investigate this further. After all, before your discovery your lives
seemed relatively normal. This man hasn't changed. The only thing that
has changed is that you have discovered a deeper part of him. A part
of him that he no doubt has kept hidden for years.
Have you stopped for a moment and thought about what he might be
feeling right now? I assure you that he's feeling all the same
emotions you are right now, only his guilt has reached intoxicating
levels. Hopefully he sat you down and discussed his special needs with
you. Most likely he hasn't told you everything. I am certain there is
more. He has been building up to this moment for a very long time and
now treads lightly, fearing rejection and losing you.
If you discovered this by accident he probably felt great fear in
exposing this to you. If you think back carefully there were probably
clues and your reaction to them convinced him that you'd never
understand. The biggest fear any man has about his sexual fantasies is
that you'll loose respect for him.
You are the woman he loves and the thought of losing you terrifies him
and yet the thought of hiding his fantasies rips him apart. There are
things inside him that he has never shared with anyone. Imagine how
scary it must be to harbor this inside, knowing that society rejects
you. Imagine the guilt he has felt in trying to repress these
I believe that any time a human being represses a desire, it will
release negative effects. When we are unfulfilled, we attempt to make
up for it in other ways, and often engage in unconscious patterns of
destruction. We might sabotage our relationships to justify our needs
and to alleviate the overwhelming guilt we feel. No doubt that he has
done this a million times and has lashed out in anger towards you,
using the excuse of something else that may or may not be wrong in the
relationship. You've probably done the same thing towards him without
realizing it. As a woman, I know that I have emotional and spiritual
expectations that I expect my lover to fulfill and when he doesn't, I
make excuses and place the blame on him. Meanwhile I never sat down
and talked to him about it. I just expected him to already understand
this or read my mind. When he didn't live up to my expectations I
reacted, he reacted and a whole other agenda is created.
As you already know, men and women have different needs and they
express these needs in various ways. Women are more
emotionally/imaginatively driven while men are visually/physically
driven. Women experience love differently than men. Men experience sex
and love as one. Unconsciously his deep desire to know woman is to
have woman. Often sex is a type of adoration and respect for woman,
especially in the case of a submissive man. Just because a a man is
submissive doesn't mean he isn't strong. His desire is to submit to a
woman, hopefully you, and to know that woman will respect the
submission he is offering. His greatest desire is to please you and
that you will accept the pleasure he offers. He longs to be taught by
you. For you to teach him about the great mystery of woman. All men
want to know this mystery of how to please a woman....be he dominant
"Only a strong man will do anything for the woman he adores. He will
forsake everything to please her."
You may be thinking that this is all a crock of bull. "What does she
know about all this anyhow?"
I won't spit out a bunch of credentials or even try to academically
prove myself to you, although I probably could. I'm not going to use a
lot of research, big words or dogma to impress you into believing that
I know what I'm talking about. Regardless of what I write, you're
going to form your own opinions and take action on them according to
your own judgments and beliefs. I simply want to point a few things
out to you before you throw away a great relationship.
I have spent over 10 years studying this from many perspectives. I
have spoken to hundreds, maybe thousands, of men and women who are
involved in sexual alternatives. The fa�ade may be slightly different;
however, the emotions and fears are all the same. I have held a man as
he cried for hours and witnessed the absolute depths of humiliation.
It would take an entire book for me to describe and explain the many
components of sexual alternatives. Right now I'm speaking to you, and
I can only hope this will prompt further investigation and open up a
line of communication between you and your husband/lover.
Like homosexuality, his need to be submissive or engage in fetish
won't go away nor can it be cured. Trying to cure something that isn't
wrong only brings more destructive guilt into his life. He can repress
this and, for a time, be convinced that it's wrong. He'll change for
you because he doesn't want to risk losing everything you've work so
hard for. He doesn't want to lose you. After a time it will surface
again. It could be months or years, but it will inevitably return.
During times of high stress men often turn to sex for comfort. They
visualize and masturbate to sexual fantasies. It is during these times
that his fetish or submissive desires will resurface. Often he will
fantasize about extremes such as losing complete control, total
subjugation and force. He will often degrade and humiliate himself in
sexual fantasies. Not because he necessarily has a sexual kink for
such things, but he is so ridden by guilt that he must justify his
desires and punish himself.
This isn't always the case but most times it is. If he is "forced"
then he has no choice and he must submit to his kinky fantasies. This
is why the image of the Dominatrix is used. Often in his fantasies she
is dressed in black leather, towering above him with a whip and a
stern look. It isn't the woman he is fantasizing about but what she
symbolizes. She will force him to do kinky sexual acts and he is
removed from the responsibility of admitting that he enjoys them. He
may have no desire to be whipped or physically punished. Some men
enjoy pain, however that is a different topic altogether. We'll touch
on that later.
So what types of kinky fetishes does he have and why does he have
them? If I had all the answers to this question, I'd be a very wealthy
woman. Human nature is complex. Psychology, science and religion have
spent countless dollars and energy attempting to define and understand
Everyone has an opinion and view, and often through the years it's
proven that they are wrong, and it's replaced with new views. Across
the world we have many different cultures and religions. Whose view is
right? Do you follow and support the concepts of Sigmund Freud or Carl
Jung? Does it matter to you what these two famous psychologists had to
say about human sexuality? Their views are very different yet Freud's
was more accepted because it was more in tune with the moral concepts
of that era.
There was a time when it was improper for a woman to speak in public.
How does this make you feel? Those rules and laws were created by the
same people who adopted concepts on what is morally acceptable between
consenting adults. Today much research proves that history, science
and even religion has misinformed us, lied to us and hidden valuable
information. Before you draw any final conclusions, please consider
reading some of the books I've recommended at the end of this article.
My point here is that you can't trust everything you hear. All
information is based on another human's opinion, including the
information I'm giving you. For the sake of your love, you need to
gather information and form your own opinions.
In the next few chapters I'll discuss some of the types of fetishes
and fantasies and why I believe men have them. Again, this is my
opinion. I'm only asking you to have an open mind and not hastily
conclude what they mean. I may give you my opinion, however as I have
stated, human sexuality and behavior is complex. The only way you'll
ever really understand him is to talk to him. He won't disclose
everything at once. He needs to trust that you will still love him and
not hurt him with this information. Exposure has destroyed people.
Their careers, their families, their entire lives by spouses or loved
ones who thought they were doing the right thing by being honest. This
issue is private, just like your intimate life and should only be
discussed between you and your lover. Violating this trust and
exposing his personal sexual life will be fatal to your relationship.
If you really love this man and the life you have together, then
commit to understanding each and every part of him no matter how scary
it seems. If you are not willing to do this then just walk away now so
that each of you can fulfill your destiny. Looking for excuses to hurt
him will only hurt you in the end and prove to be destructive in every
aspect of your life. The domino effects of this will be everlasting.
Two people who claim to love each other will be able to work this out
even if it means separation. If you do work through this time, I
promise you that it will strengthen your love and trust in ways you
would never dream of. You just may find yourselves falling in love all
Don't skip any part of this article even if it doesn't specifically
pertain to you. The steps outlined herein are very important and this
should not be rushed. All things must be considered if your
relationship is at risk.
Having said that, I will explain a little about fetishes and role-
play. I like to think of fetish as a secret key that unlocks a door.
Primitive and Indian tribes used small cravings, known as fetishes,
for luck, strength and inner balance. Fetishes are normally animal
cravings that represent an aspects of human nature. The power of the
animal is reflected on to gain power for oneself.
I believe fetishes are a key that unlocks deep doors of desire.
Questions within us that are left unexplained. Fetishes are symbols
and invoke deep sensations within us. Not all fetishes are sexual. If
you see a beautiful sunset you become inspired and high from its
beauty. A sexual fetish invokes and inspires a deep fantasy. A sexual
fetish is used to unlock this door.
There may be many doors to his sexually, many sexual fantasies longing
to be explored and it may take many tools or keys to unlock them. Men
have many types of sexual fetishes. Foot fetish, panty fetish,
leather, shoes, nails, smoking, you name it! If it exists then someone
has a fetish for it.
Everyone has a theory on why men have these. Some psychologists
believe that these stem from a childhood incident or trauma. This may
be the case in some people but most people, I have learned, didn't
have a singular incident that made them kinky or fetishistic. In fact
most people can remember having kinky sexual fantasies at a very young
age but couldn't understand them. Through the years they turn to these
sexual fantasies privately as an old friend. It becomes something
familiar to them even if they don't understand it.
Sexual fetishes are symbols that represent something they've seen or
felt. There is normally a much deeper meaning behind it. For instance,
a man who has a fetish for smoking may have seen a woman smoking in a
magazine or movie. It may have represented feminine strength to him or
stimulated an oral fixation. Something in it sexually stimulated him.
Most likely he doesn't understand it himself and would have a hard
time explaining it. We can grasp at straws trying to figure it out and
still come up with nothing.
Sexual fetishes can be tangible or intangible. Objects such as a shoe,
rope, pair of worn panties, or feet, hair, nails, breasts (seems like
most men have this and we don't question why, right?), or any object
at all that represents his sexual fantasy. Sexual fetishes might be
more common in a very conservative upbringing because the taboo and
sinful nature of sex forces great conflict.
Role-play is another form of alternative sexual expression. You've
probably engaged in it to some extent without even realizing it. Have
you ever pretended to be a little girl, innocent and sweet? Ever talk
like a little girl during an intimate moment? Has a lover ever acted
like a little boy or child? How about during sex? Did you find this
offensive? Some people think that this means that there may be danger
of a potential pedophile. This is the most absurd thing I've ever
heard and I hope that you're more intelligent then that!
Perhaps he returns to this space because he needs to feel protected
and loved. The nurturing from mother is a lasting impression or
perhaps he didn't get enough love from his mother. Who really knows,
but now he's turning to you, the woman he trusts to capture a sense of
security and love. This sense of trust and love opens the door for
sexual intimacy. A body massage is not sexual per se; however the
intimate touching and relaxation will make you feel sensual and
Role-play can serve many purposes and even men who explore femininity
and cross-dressing (wearing women's clothes) may not engage in
masturbation because it's not sex that drives them to the act, but a
much deeper set of dynamics happening within. The same is with
dominance and submission. Sure, there are a lot of men who use female
domination as a sexual fantasy; however, in my experience, I have
found that most men enjoy the mental and emotional aspects far more.
It can be an unselfish act to please and adore.
Perhaps they want to step outside of a world that expects them to
always be strong, macho and in control, into a space where they can
completely let go and relinquish all control.
Here is a letter I wrote in one of my columns that you might find
"Goddess Dianna, My husband is one kinky FUCK! I mean it! He is "out
to lunch" with some unknown force I can not identify. Goddess, you
appear to be an intelligent woman, which is why I even wrote to you.
He dumps all this shit on me about his needs and desires. He recently
pulled out a whole pile of fetish magazines, including a bunch of
NUGGETs and gave them to me to look at. I flipped through the pages
and sat back in absolute disgust! Goddess Dianna, how can people
really be into all this? Pregnant women, women pissing on things,
women whose legs are cut off, women beating men and countless other
degrading acts. What's up with this? Why do people want to act this
way?" -- Frustrated and APPALLED!
Dear Frustrated, Isn't it wonderful that men can appreciate women
other than the waif, pre-Madonna types, who pose to seduce just a
hard-on? Think about it. To love a farting, pissing and lactating
woman is a sign of true adoration and respect for women everywhere.
It's about time there are some men willing to "out" themselves on the
glory of womankind!! The personification of kinky towards women is a
male's attempt to understand her; the great mystery of all that is
feminine and her right to be normal and sexy in all that she is.
This includes the joy of pregnancy and all that is sacred. Isn't it
nice to know that your man isn't average? You should be proud that he
thinks beyond tits and ass and is able to appreciate the challenges of
womanhood as a seductive act of sensuality, and to celebrate her as an
object who can do more than pose, primp and be only gawked at. In a
world where acts of violence and hate are commonplace, I honor the man
who can love and adore the darkest aspect of women and find them sexy.
A wise woman will know this, use this to her advantage, and act
accordingly. Be happy that you're with a man who at least chooses to
share his dark secrets with the woman he loves! --Always, Dianna Vesta
Now you're probably wondering the same thing as "Frustrated and
Appalled", "Why would a man get sexually excited over a pissing
Every man has his reasons; however, I believe that men are excluded
from feminine mysteries and understanding. Few women take the time to
allow men to really explore their bodies or its processes. Has your
husband ever seen you bleed? Has he ever touched it? Of course not!
After all, you've been taught that it's a curse. Had you been raised to
believe that it was a celebration and rite of passage, you'd feel
differently. Men are fascinated with a woman's body. They want to be a
part of it and to understand it.
So why does it make them horny?
Sex is a very high pattern of energy. Whereas women experience
sensation from emotion, men feel the highest sensation from sexual
excitement. They often confuse love with sex because while having sex
they are so close to the woman and the sensations are immeasurable. It
isn't hard to understand why they'd want to come back to this feeling
or seek comfort in it. As women, we are often guilty of giving too
much because we crave emotional sensations.
We might even project an unrealistic fantasy of love because we crave
and need those sensational highs so badly. We hunger for perfect love
and intimacy. As men expect us to knowingly fulfill them sexually, we
do the same thing to men in an emotional sense. Your greatest
salvation is to first realize the differences between the two of you.
Before you start judging him, remember that he understands and sees
things differently then you do.
Old psychological journals will describe and define it with words
like, "gender disorders" or conflicts. Well I suppose there is a
conflict when these thoughts make you wet and excited while your brain
is condemning you for even thinking such thoughts. Although they can
describe them, to some extent, they also state in many cases, that
there is no cure for this disorder. I suppose that's the approach they
took with homosexuality at one time and many still do. Can you cure
someone from being homosexual? Of course not.
[In the 1980s, the American Psychiatric Association removed sado-
masochism (S&M) as a category in its "Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders." This decision--like the decision to
remove homosexuality as a category in 1973--was a big step toward the
societal acceptance of people whose sexual desires aren't traditional,
or vanilla, as it's called in S&M circles.] Note: S&M, SM, BDSM, etc.
are blanket words that often describe the sexual alternative community
as a whole.
I sincerely believe that fantasy and fetish, regardless of how it
began, is an integral part of our growth and self-exploration. It
isn't something that's just going to go away because we want it to. So
As I mentioned earlier, you have the choice to stay and understand him
or walk away. If you are willing to make an emotional investment then
be prepared to make a commitment and work at it. From my experience, I
have learned that a woman is far more capable of maintaining an
emotional tempo because she IS an emotional creature. There will be
some sacrifices, concerns and mistakes. You should both accept this
now and be committed to your love beyond the trial and tribulations.
There are a few things you need to be careful of.
Once you agree to learn more about his sexual interest to the point of
actually trying them, don't be surprised if you open a floodgate of
expectation. He has been harboring these feelings for a very long time
and he now has your acceptance. Remind him that you are willing to
explore at YOUR own pace. If he seems obsessed with his sexual
fetishes to the point where he can't think of anything else, it's
temporary. He has been in denial a long time. Take a firm hand and
approach in this matter. This isn't about dominance and submission.
It's about taking the reins and agreeing to work with him on HIS
interest. This doesn't mean you should do anything you find morally
unacceptable nor should you cater to his every whim. Have an open
mind, be flexible and above all honest. I have a saying that goes like
this: "My mouth should be deformed for as many times as I stuck my
foot in it!"
When I first started exploring sexual alternatives I looked at those
stupid videos and magazines and said "NO WAY!" Most sex magazines and
videos are produced for male sexual fantasy, not a loving reality.
They are intended to get the job done (often used for masturbation)
and rarely do they depict the actual fantasy but a grand projection of
it. The difference between sipping brandy and doing shots.
There were things I saw that I said I'd NEVER do. In fact I was quite
adamant about it. Later I found that not only was I willing to try new
things, but that which I said I'd never do turned out to be things I
love today. Life takes these funny turns, doesn't it? Never say never.
Just keep an open mind; however, do only what you are truly ready for.
Throw away the guilt. If he wants to try all these things and you're
not ready, just tell him. If he becomes manipulative or upset because
you aren't going as fast ashe'd like you to, remind him that it was
YOU who agreed to share HIS fantasies.
Don't let him control this sexual arena. It must be a two-way street
(consensual) for this to work. If he can't understand this he will no
doubt burn you out and the relationship will be ruined. Patience will
be difficult for him yet not impossible. Don't allow this new addition
to take over your lives. It is (or can be) only one aspect of it. It
should not affect the other aspects of your relationship and family.
It's best to assign a structure to this exploration and negotiate how
the two of you will proceed. Do this right away.
Here are some examples: Make dates. You can plan several types of
dates. One date can be a romantic date where you simply enjoy each
other's company. Talk about the family, your love and be intimate;
however, leave kink out of it. Don't even discuss it.
You might then have another date where you do talk about sexual
fantasies. Be sure to tell him yours too. In the beginning stages,
it's best to just talk about it (except for sexual exchanges you've
already shared before).
Make sure you balance the two dates above. Pick two nights of the same
week where you have these dates. In the beginning, you should not
introduce any new sexual play into your relationship. Just dates and
talks. Be sure to discuss fears and concerns. If you can't talk openly
about these, then write them down for each other and then discuss them
He may need to be reminded to slow down. Talking or even thinking
about his fantasies will make him excited. Remind him that it will be
much better if he waits for you to understand this well. Don't push it
away and ignore it. This will cause great resentment. If you aren't
committed to this then don't say you are.
Ask him to write a story about his perfect fantasy in third person.
Some men are not very good at this so don't criticize him when he
produces a list of expectations. He may think he's doing the right
thing or he may not know any better. A man's libido is difficult to
understand at times. Women are also a great mystery to men. Bridging
this gap isn't always easy.
Once his fantasy story is in your hands, look it over carefully.
Please don't react to his words or descriptions. As I mentioned
earlier, he probably doesn't even fully understand his fantasies and
there is a chance they'll shift, change, and develop new meaning as he
begins to explore them in real life. Some fantasies may never be a
physical reality. I often fantasize about spanking Brad Pitt and
thoroughly enjoy this fantasy knowing it will never be a reality.
There may also be fantasies that are unattainable and unrealistic.
Thinking or talking about them is enough. Your husband may fantasize
about being submissive to several women at one time. This doesn't mean
that he doesn't love you, but has projected his submission by
magnifying its intensity. During sexual play, he might be blindfolded
and you tell him there are other women in the room as a fantasy. His
imagination will fuel the rest. It's not about the players but the
As the two of you build trust, you will then witness another set of
dynamics. This takes time. You will form a natural and emotional
connection/bond. When this happens it's about the players AND the
play. This alone is worth sacrifice, hard work and the commitment to
You need not follow an exact script just because he tells you what
he's into. If he's submissive, the main component for him is that it's
something you enjoy and that you take control. The fantasies and
images he has are nothing more then symbols that he's used to help him
obtain a state of submission. Submission and relinquishing control is
a state of consciousness he may have to work at. The same is for you
when you begin to explore dominance or taking control even if it's
just in the bedroom. So often we fall into our patterns without even
realizing it. After all, no one ever handed us manuals on how we are
suppose to act sexually, especially if our sexuality is different from
the mainstream. Should the truth be known, a lot more people have
sexual fantasies then we realize. Most are repressed. His sexual
fantasies are probably more common then you realize.
Dabble with the fantasies he's provided and be sure to add your own
ingredients. This is what makes it special. Use your intuition and
common sense. Before you actually play together, you should explore
together. Grab a glass of wine and hit the web! Join a few well-
established Web sites that offer stories, both fiction and education,
as well as pictures. Don't take the fantasy and fiction too literally.
It's intended for fantasy. You can really stimulate your imagination
and get some great ideas. Don't judge yourself because you're not at
the level of some other people. It may appear that they are more
serious because they use the word "lifestyle"; however, I assure you
that these people also have careers, kids, family and the same
concerns you do. For most people BDSM is an ALTERNATIVE to what they
have already been doing.
There are many levels and extremes. Keep an open mind and try not to
form opinions. It may not be for you, and that's okay. Look at BDSM
BDSM is a large pot of soup. You start with a base and add your own
ingredients. Everyone has her or his own recipe. Some are simple and
others complex, some spicy and some bland. It doesn't and shouldn't
matter as long as the two of you like your own soup. This cuisine is a
creation from both of you. You may look at pictures, read stories and
get ideas for your recipe; however, it's added with love and respect.
You must both agree and feel comfortable on what's going into your
pot. You can always modify your soup later. Try this technique, it's
I consult with many couples where the man longs to be submissive and
the woman is uncertain about being dominant. Her main concern is that
she doesn'twant to hurt him or treat him poorly. This is
understandable because she loves him.
Try turning the tables one evening. Let him place a blindfold on your
eyes, very light bondage and very light touching. It's okay to switch.
You have a loving relationship and pleasure is part of it.
Pick a beginning and end. This is important when using role-play of
any type. If you are going to be Mistress/Master and he slave or
servant, adopt a symbol (such as a collar) or gesture that signifies
that the game has begun and when it will end. When it ends, your lives
must go back to normal, leaving the game behind. Pick a day when
you're alone and will not be interrupted. Take the phone off the hook.
If necessary, stay at a hotel to share these times. When your game is
over you should lovingly embrace and let each other know how much you
appreciate each other. Don't ever forget this no matter how serious
the game may get. Before your next game, sit down to talk about the
last game, the things you liked and disliked and how you will play
your next game.
Don't be intimidated by others who are different or who offer
suggestions. Take it all with a grain of salt and do what you think is
What if you read all of this and you aren't willing to try it or you
Then don't. If you're not comfortable with this then don't push it. It
may come later or you may never feel comfortable. You then have to ask
yourself: "Is this something I can live with?" Is it something he can
live with? Can the two of you accept your differences and yet maintain
a loving relationship? How can you compromise enough to save the
relationship without risking it?
If you live in or near a large city, you and your hubby could attend
an educational support group. These are likeminded people looking to
network, learn and share information. Generally, they sit around and
talk, exchange information, and sponsor workshops. Some groups host
play parties and will announce them if they do. You are not obligated
to participate and you can just watch. Group meetings usually do not
include play unless a visit to a club or playroom is planned. Some
organizations also cater "munches." These are gatherings in public
places to meet new people and exchange ideas. Here is a wonderful Web
site with information and listings http://www.submission.net
There are many options and some you might not want to hear. Even
though I consider myself very open-minded, I don't advocate
infidelity. If a man I'm involved with cheats on me, I'll leave him.
Why? Because for me it's a trust issue, yet at the same time I need to
ask myself why he felt he needed to cheat and lie. It's not just his
problem. It's a two way street. This doesn't make it right. If you
shut him and his needs out completely, he will have no other choice
but to seek fulfillment elsewhere. This doesn't mean he doesn't love
you. He may harbor resentment and find excuses that will justify his
selfish behavior. When he seeks out another woman, it's not about love
and emotion. It's about sexual need or some other deep need he longs
to explore and feels ashamed. As I mentioned earlier, he is afraid of
taking a risk that you'll reject him. He doesn't trust in the fact
that you won't.
You may consider allowing him to go to a professional dominatrix.
These women provide a service that isn't intimate or physically
sexual. They help their clients explore aspects of their fantasies so
that they may better understand them. At no time is body fluid
exchanged or do they have intercourse. Many times a client will go to
a professional to explore and actualize a fantasy only to find out
that he wasn't really into it afterwards or he only has a need to play
out his fantasy a few times a year. Remember I talked about stress and
how it affects a man? His visit to the local dominatrix could in fact
be just the thing to bring balance into his life. You will always
notice positive changes when he does. It's scary, and the thought
might make you jealous. It isn't for everyone; however, it is one
option. You can help in locating and choosing the right practitioner
with him. When you're ready, you may even want to go along and watch.
Before you do this, however, speak to the practitioner first. In fact
you could speak to her before he goes to sessions to discuss concerns.
I had a client who would come to see me once a month. His wife would
call ahead of time and talk to me about all the stupid things he did
that month. Sometimes she'd send along a note describing his
transgressions. She may even ask me to punish him in certain ways. She
had no desire to be there or do it herself, however she enjoyed being
part of it.
Another option is to allow him to do phone sessions. This is harmless
fun where he talks to a Mistress and she orders him to do things. I've
done phone sessions with the wife listening on another extension. It's
even more fun to find a good phone Mistress who knows that both of you
are listening and allows you to use a good speaker phone. If you find
someone with real experience in domination, you'll learn a lot and
have great fun! She may instruct him to do things to or for you. Kiss
your feet, rub your feet, beg for you, etc. Wouldn't that be fun? Give
it a try! You may choose to allow him one phone session a month and
not be a part of it. Professional sessions are not cheap. Live in-
person sessions range anywhere from $150 to $300 per hour. Phone
sessions can range from $2 to $4 a minute. Find a service that does
flat rate billing. It normally works out cheaper. Live in-person
sessions depend on where you live, on the practitioner's experience or
the demand for her services. If you're serious about doing this you
can always work something out with your local practitioner. Most
professionals are compassionate and sensitive to your needs. If the
price is too high, she may be willing to work something out if YOU
speak to her honestly. Many times if a professional knows a client is
married and serious about working with his wife in incorporating
sexual alternatives, she will help guide him in this direction. Much
of my phone work is advice and how to approach a spouse.
The first choice in exploring alternatives should be with someone you
love and trust.
Take a deep breath. It isn't as complicated as it sounds. Change is
always difficult at first. It takes time and lots of communication.
Have some fun and don't take it all too serious; however, do make the
commitment to make it work out.
-As promised here is a list of books and resources. These are
mychoices. There is tons of stuff on the Web. Books: "Miss Abernathy's
Concise Slave Training Manual" - $11.95 It mightseem a little much and
serious, but it's a lot of fun and great ideas! Order: 1-888-836-6733
"Training with Miss Abernathy" - $11.95 Another great book! Same order
"The Sexually Dominant Woman" - $11.95 Lady Green has an
"Training of a Husband: Part One & Part Two" - $25.00 each. These
books are a tad serious and published by The Other World Kingdom, a
real state of Female Supremacy. Lots of great pictures in these books
and you'll certainly get him in line! If the books don't work you can
plan a trip to OWK and have a blast! www.owk.com. 1-888-836-6733
Video: "Erotic Control: The Art of Loving Domination" VHS/PAL/SECAM
$59.95 This video stars a male submissive and myself. We talk and show
the elements of erotic power exchange. It's sexy and educational. 1-
"Nina Hartleys Guide to better Cunnilingus" - VHS $39.95 Your pleasure
is important. It's time he learned how to do it right! 1-888-836-6733
"Female Genital Massage" - VHS $59.95 Join Annie Sprinkle as she
teaches the art of giving a woman pleasure. Every man should learn
proper worship and adoration! Great video! 1-888-836-6733
Toys: If you're looking for bondage stuff, collars, vibrators,
toys,leather, etc., just pop me an e-mail, tell me where you live and
what you're looking for. I can also offer some ideas.
Goddess@fetishnetwork.com or visit www.internationalfetish.com.
Professional Dominatrix: Again, please write me with your area. If
you send me your e-mail and a short note on what you hope to find,
I'll pass it along to a list of qualified practitioners.
Phone Domination: Myself and a few friends offer phone consultations,
sessions, training, etc. We also have personal friends who offer phone
sessions. Write me or write someone who does offer them, and ask
questions about their services. If you feel comfortable with them,
then give them a shot. It's only talk!
Web Sites The Fetish Network - www.fetishnetwork.com - Educational and
fun. It's one of my sites!
Out of the Shadows - BDSM forums & information
http://www.submission.net/bdsm.html. Jaguar's Lair -
http://www.jagworld.com/bdsm/jag-bdsm-main.htm. A site with all kinds
of stuff on it!
BDSM Directory - http://come.to/dsdirectory A search engine
The Fetish Network - www.fetishnetwork.com This article may be
freely distributed, printed and posted as long as it remains
completely intact and unedited. No portion of this article may be
omitted, re-worded or added to without permission from the publishers.
Permission to post and distribute does not require permission.
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